Last week I went on vacation for the first time in a couple years. It was great. Here are some things I accomplished:

- Touched the ocean.

- Ate at least one type of seafood every day.

- Started reading both Moby Dick and A Supposedly Fun Thing I'll Never Do Again.

- Learned how to play a poker game called Night Baseball.

- Drank a milkshake at a pharmacy soda fountain.

- Bought a pair of sparkly fish skeleton earrings.

- Watched the entirely of the Miss America Competition. I hadn't seen it since I was a kid and let me tell you, watching a beauty pageant as an adult is a weird experience. I kept getting outraged by things like the fact that the swimsuit competition is supposed to be about judging the contestants' "commitment to health." I'm pretty sure every feminist in the world stopped paying attention to swimsuit competitions about 20 years ago. That fruit is so low hanging it's underground. The concept of Mario Cantone and Carla from Top Chef judging which 22 year old has the best bikini body and is therefore most deserving of a scholarship is kind of insane though.

- Saw a pig named Mr. Wrinkles crowned the winner of a livestock competition. (He beat two ponies!)